Panties… and Peaches???

It smelt worse than spoiled milk that had been on the countertop for weeks. The stench had spread throughout the vicinity. The detective sniffs the air, “BLAH!” He scanned the area and he saw it. There she was lying completely motionless. He saw the raped and slaughtered woman. Her neck had been choked out. Her panties were on here head. She was seemly defenceless against the rapist. He looked at her and was frozen almost as if he was the one who had been raped. He asked himself, “Do people in Seoul do this type of thing often?” Do people from Seoul have a soul? How can anyone perform such a reprehensible act? The detective decided to inspect the woman thoroughly. He inspected her from head to toe and everything else in between. He seemed to be keened on the in between part. He was too afraid to actually touch her thinking that would tamper the evidence. The woman had undoubtedly been raped by a psychotic individual.

The foul odour from the carcass remained to be pungent. When he was looking down at her he smelt something pleasant. How could anything that stunk that badly smell good? He looked down. He noticed that the rapist had shoved nine pieces of peaches in her. He was sickened by this act and puked inside his mouth in complete and utter disgust.

He still could not put it together. There is seemed to be no rationale to perform such an atrocious act. The only conclusion that was drawn was that he was not just dealing with a rapist, but a perverted serial killer. A deadly one at that. “But…is wanking a crime?” The words keep flashing in his head. Murder. Rape. Panties. Peaches? These things seemed to go hand in hand but peaches? He was perplexed by this case as if someone had asked him an unsolvable math question. What did the peaches symbolize? What did the panties over the head represent? So many questions, so little answers. It was back to the drawing board for him. Without a doubt he was one diligent and determined detective.

Insults + Quotes: Practice Dialogue

Title: Just another Day for a Playa
Dramatic Personae:
Matt – big time playa and is caught having sex with another woman
Karen – innocent girlfriend who catches Matt cheating on her
Set Description: Karen walks into the house to see Matt without any clothes on and sees other women’s panties on the floor. The bedroom is a complete mess. A heated argument occurs from this.

(Enter Karen)
Karen: When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.

Matt: What’s that suppose to mean?

Karen: How can you explain this?
(Karen holds up another woman’s panties)

Matt: Huh?

Karen: You hear me talkin’ hillbilly boy? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on you ass.
(She takes a lamp and hurls it at him)

Matt: Well you’re nothing but a yeasty common-kissing hugger-mugger!!

Karen: Oh Yeah! You are a gleeking hell-hated death token and to top that you’re just a craven half-faced maggot-pie.

Matt: I just hate you and I hate your ass face. All you are is a bootless milk-livered bum bailey.

Karen: How dare you call me those things!?!? You probably are sleeping with loggerheaded fat-kidneyed boar-pig women.

Matt: Hey don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

Karen (in a furious tone): You make me sooo mad!!!!! How can you hurt me like this?

Matt: Karen? Darling? Light of my life?...I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just gonna bash your brains in. I’m gonna bash’em right the f---in!
(Matt takes out a bat and hits Karen in the head)

Matt: AH HAHAHAHA!!!

(Karen lies motionless on the floor)

(Enter other woman)

Other Woman: Let’s just start making out in front of her…

(Matt and other woman start making out in front of an unconscious Karen)

Guerilla Poetry: Lights Out

Power. Strength. Fear.

3 words I live by.

Once he snaps the ball.

He is a dead-man with a ball.

Nothing or nobody is gonna stop me.

250 plus pounds.

I’m a beast.

I’m unstoppable.

I’m a linebacker.

I’m not gonna tackle him.

I’m not gonna bring him down.

I envision myself runnin through him,

As if he wasn’t even there.

Brett who? Tom who? Peyton who?

They start the play,

I end the play.

I leave nothing behind.

Lights out.

The Battle of the Bigs

Who ya got? Some say the Pats are taking it, while others say the Colts are. It is said that this game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts is going to be better than the Super Bowl itself. Tom Brady just might be the BEST quarterback of all time. The powerful Patriots are pounding on the entire league for their push for perfection. Patriots are a team that seems to have no weakness and are seemingly unstoppable. Then there is Peyton Manning, the guy who people think is not clutch. He finally got the monkey off his shoulder and won the “big one”. Now he has the hunger for more. This game is of tremendous magnitude and both teams are eager for that tick under the W column. Someone’s 0 has got to go.

My prediction: Patriots win

Kobe Bryant

Past his prime. Peaked. Uncoachable. Stubborn. Played out. An outcast. Not a team player. Selfish. Overrated. Prima Dona. No more rings. These all the things the Kobe-haters have to say. All I have to say is keeping hating because Kobe is going keep on being great. Dropping multiple 50 point games. Breaking records that nobody thought would be broken. The Lakers fans are booing him at the season opener and than cheering for him when he starts scoring during the game. No wonder he wants to leave. Is it his fault that he is on a team that refuses to step-up? Is it his fault that the Lakers aren’t getting any good players to build around him? I don’t blame him for demanding trades. He is being unappreciated in L.A.

A reminder on why Kobe is still the greatest:

Snapshots

Vince Carter. One day he is jumping over a 7"2 Frenchman. The next day he is lying on the ground completely motionless. Vince Carter exploded on to the NBA scene in 1998 being drafted by the Golden State Warriors, but before he could even get his jersey he was traded to the Toronto Raptors. Maybe the Warriors felt that Vince was grotesque and juvenile much like how the Toronto fans feel today. The Raptors could no longer deal with Vince Carter’s absurdity and obscure injuries, which than landed VC in New Jersey. Every time he comes to play a game against Toronto now, it is a bombastic summer blockbuster. It is a magnetic encounter. Toronto fans always have a frazzled feeling and are flabbergasted on why he is so popular, even after all his corruption. Toronto fans find him to be like a whiny baby, an ugly one at that. If he is such a finical figure, why not get some liposuction or better yet suit his personality and get surgically effeminized? Maybe just bashing Vince Carter is one of the many jolts to life.

Haiku #2: Superman??

What makes a hero?

Scrutinized expectations.

An eye-opener.

Haiku #1: One Messed Up Night

Kiss me I'm Drunk

No, we're not pulling your leg

More than you expect?

Multiply Your Personalities

Everyone has multiple personalities and one way to acquire these split personalities is through music. As displayed by the poster, hearing music allows one to “multiply your inner rock star”. Inevitably, music is the key in multiplying your personalities. For instance, listening to rock music can give you a rock star mentality. You might be saying phrases like “t-t-t-totally dude!!!!” or makes you want to party like a rock star. Trashing hotel rooms and smashing guitars is what you will be thinking of. Another form of personality that can be formed through music is hip-hop. It might turn you into a gangster or some call it “gangsta”. This form of personality can lead to one wearing baggy clothing and wear the bling bling. You get caught up in making sure your clothes and rides are always staying “fresh”. Next thing you know, you are becoming the next 50 Cent. BALLIN! As they like to call it in the hip-hop world which means living a life of extreme wealth and flaunting it. The last personality that can be developed is through country. Sometimes this makes you want to wear a cowboy hat while riding a horse into the sunset. You want to go to a good old fashion hoedown after you have just finished that showdown with you arch nemesis. Next thing you know, instead of saying hi or hello you are saying howdy. Picking the music you listen to is like picking the personality you want. The key thing to remember is to personally pick your personality privately.

Profile

Person A: Female, mob boss, cigar smoker, non-religious, two children, arrogant, homophobic; favourite word: homo.
Person B: Male, Buddhist, serious, outgoing, does yoga, anti-violence, homosexual, monk; favourite word: righteous.
Time/Place/Period: Buddhist temple, spring, year 2000, Beijing, China.
Situation: Female arrives at Buddhist temple with mother to watch her pray.

Beijing, China. Hometown of the 'azn mobsters'. And Ling Ling, their leader.
" This is fa kin su pah! Another day at Temple with motha. I must lei low so nobody see me." Ling murmured.
In walked a man with Ling's mother.
" Ling, kum hia now! I want you to meet Mr. Quest," shouted Ling's mom.
Disconsolate Ling Ling shuffled over to greet this man, who already agitated her with his glistening rainbow tie. A proud homosexual. In other words, Ling's worst nightmare.
" Pleasure to meet you Ms. Ling, and how are you today?"
" Dum fuk, I'm great."
" I beg your pardon? I must have misheard what you said."
" Sum ting wong with hearing? I said I'm great."
" Oh well, that's wonderful, isn't this a splendid temple?"
" Why so dim in hea?"
" Well, it helps set the mood and gives your eyes a chance to relax from the blaring lights of the world."
" Ai must go now, motha you cum or not?"Ling was determined to get out in time as her employees were growing vehement in need of their next missions. She couldn't risk leaving her car in the parking lot with all the goods, unsupervised, either.
" What's the rush. Stay and enjoy."
" Yu stinki pu, I say I go now! I need to wash cah." Ling replied, growing with intolerance for Mr. Quest as she pulled out a cigarette to munch on.
" Ling! Wai yu munching! No good for health!" Bellowed her mother.
" I am getting out of hea, away from you and this fat man."
" You know Ling, a very wise man once said, "We can see, so we are always blind to things deeper than skin," and you must realize.."
Quest attempted to explain to Ling.
" Your chin too fat! So, don't quote me anyting. And I go now!"
Ignorant and bitter Ling stormed, at supersonic speed, out of the temple, towards her BMW Z4. Deciding to leave town forever without return, she bawlled, " Motha you take care of rugrats, I leave you! I can't live with you no more and your religious ways! You and fat man be happy."
And that was the last anyone saw of Ling Ling...

Slang: An (RE)EV(DE)VOLUTION in Language?? A “Business” Journey to America

A businessman that was born in China decided to come to America to expand his bank account and find new job opportunities. He hopped on the next flight to America, brought one suitcase and a knot of money. He was pretty fluent with the language known as Chinglish, so he felt like he would be able to communicate with the Americans. The moment he landed he was swarmed by many obese Americans holding a Pepsi in one hand with French fries in the other. He found this to be extremely disgusting, especially with the grease dripping from their hands. After that awful experience at the airport, he decided to do parergon to make a little extra money. He decided to do an archaeological dig because he thought there were some valuable findings in America. He than hired a small army of trowel fodder to work on the site, and of course no set of workers would be complete without a couple poot butts. He worked them like dogs and he was ruthless towards them feeling that the only way to earn money is through hard work. The businessman also stepped in to help thinking that the only way to get something done is to do it by himself. The sun was beaming down on the workers and sweat was dripping from their faces and water seemed to be scarce at the moment. They were digging for what seemed to be an eternity, but never found anything of value. The workers felt like they were the slaves at the desert. At this point, there seemed like there was no hope for this archaeological dig to be successful until the businessman ran across a bluebird. This bluebird was willing to buy this entire work site from the businessman because he thought that this working site was filled with long lost treasures. The businessman lied to the bluebird, telling him that there are a lot of treasures here. The businessman than came to the realization that hard work only gets you so far and that you will always need to lie to someone to get what you want. This was the American dream to the businessman born in China.

Two Sentences

Hey! Y’all gonna tell me who stole my dang pitch fork?

Stop stalling and cough it up cause I’m gunnin' for ya.