Script

Title: The Worst Birthday Ever

Setting: 4 Privet Drive. Setting is taking place at Dursley kitchen where pots and pans are everywhere as if they had cooked a meal for a small army. Than again cooking for Dudley is like a small army. The kitchen is an absolute mess. You can see the small particles of food all over on the floor from the area where Dudley sat. He put so much food in his mouth at such a rapid tempo that some of the victuals were not able to make it in his mouth.

Dramatic Personae:

Harry Potter – wizard who just finished his first year from wizardry school and is spending the summer with the Dursley family and is getting treated like a prisoner.
Vernon Dursley - uncle of Harry, owner of the household and isn’t afraid of showing that he is in control, owner of a company that sells drills
Dudley Dursley – spoiled overfed brat who is the son of Vernon and Petunia
Petunia Dursley – the aunt of Harry and mother of Dudley, who is blinded by love for her son that she does not see any flaws in him

Act 1, Scene 1

(Dursley family and Harry are eating breakfast in their kitchen)

Camera shot of the entire kitchen after breakfast had been cooked

Pan shot showing the pots and pans all over the place

Dudley (in his annoying raspy tone): I want more bacon!

Camera shot of Dudley’s face being covered by his plate because he is devouring all of his food.

(Dudley pounds his massive boulder like fists on the table)

Petunia (in a sweet caring voice) (turning all misty eyes on her massive son): There is more in the frying pan, sweetums.

(Petunia points to her right which is where the frying pan was located)

(Dudley snatches the frying pan filled with bacon and fills up his plate with his third serving)

Vernon (in a bold voice): Pass me the frying pan.

(Vernon points at the frying pan with the remaining pieces of bacon)

(Dudley reaches for the bacon to pass to his father)

Harry (in a sarcastic tone): You’ve forgotten the MAGIC word.

(Dudley fell of his chair and came crashing to the floor the instant he hears the word magic)

Shake camera implying the whole kitchen shook the moment Dudley hit the floor

Petunia (in petrified voice): OH MY GOSH!!!

(Petunia holds her hands to her cheeks with her jaw literally on the floor)

(Mr. and Mrs. Dursley rush to aid their fallen son)

Harry (in worried tone): I meant ‘please’ not-

Petunia (frantic and is speaking quickly): Is he breathing? Should I call an ambulance? Speak to me, sweetums.

(Petunia trying to shake her son back to consciousness)

Vernon (interrupts in a thundering tone while spraying spit all over the place): WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU, ABOUT USING THE M WORD?

Close up shot of the spit coming of Vernon’s mouth as he is talking.

Harry: I just-

Vernon (in compete and utter rage): I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER MY ROOF!!!
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Harry: But-

Vernon (still in rant and rave mode): BUT NOTHING!

(Harry scans the room and sees that is uncle is completely red in rage while his aunt was as pale as a ghost)

Pan shot of the Dursley family in complete disarray.

Harry (in a meek tone): Okay.

(Uncle Vernon finally seats himself like a winded rhinoceros and gives Harry a cold stare as if to say “I’m watching you!”)

(Harry slowly walks up to his room in disappointment.)

(Soliloquy) Harry (sobbing): Why me? This is so unfair. How am I supposed to practice magic if all my stuff is locked up? I just wish that Uncle Vernon would just die of a heart attack or something. GGRRRR!! Go to hell! Of all the days? It has to be on MY birthday. No cake. No present. No card. No nothing. All I get is scolded at, just like every single day.

Close up camera shot of Harry’s tears

(15 minutes later after Dudley has recovered from his trauma)

(Vernon has summoned Harry to come back downstairs)

Vernon (clears his throat and begins to announce): Now, as we all know, today is a very important day.

(Harry’s face lights up with loads of joy thinking that they remembered that it was his birthday.)

Camera shot of Harry’s eyes lighting up with pure delight.

Vernon: This could be the biggest day of my career. The drill company might get this huge deal with this rich builder. Let’s run the schedule. At eight o’clock, Petunia, you will be-

Petunia (responding quickly): In the lounge, waiting to graciously to welcome our guests to our exquisite home.

Vernon (nodding his head in approval): Good, good. And Dudley?

(Vernon looks over to Dudley)

Dudley (jovial): Waiting to open the door and say “May I take you coats?”

Vernon: Yes!

(Vernon gives thumbs up to his son)

(Vernon now looks over to Harry)

Vernon (voice changes to an angry tone when saying ‘you’ and looks at Harry): And you?

(Vernon looks down upon Harry and points at him with his index finger)

Harry (reluctantly): In my room, making no noise and pretending not to exist at all.

(Vernon continues to ramble on about the scheduling as Harry just puts his head down in grief)

(Harry goes to his room as the Dursley family prepares for their guests)

Harry (singing in sorrow manner): Happy birthday to me…

(Door bell rings)

Vernon (in his booming tone): SHOW TIME!

Panties… and Peaches???

It smelt worse than spoiled milk that had been on the countertop for weeks. The stench had spread throughout the vicinity. The detective sniffs the air, “BLAH!” He scanned the area and he saw it. There she was lying completely motionless. He saw the raped and slaughtered woman. Her neck had been choked out. Her panties were on here head. She was seemly defenceless against the rapist. He looked at her and was frozen almost as if he was the one who had been raped. He asked himself, “Do people in Seoul do this type of thing often?” Do people from Seoul have a soul? How can anyone perform such a reprehensible act? The detective decided to inspect the woman thoroughly. He inspected her from head to toe and everything else in between. He seemed to be keened on the in between part. He was too afraid to actually touch her thinking that would tamper the evidence. The woman had undoubtedly been raped by a psychotic individual.

The foul odour from the carcass remained to be pungent. When he was looking down at her he smelt something pleasant. How could anything that stunk that badly smell good? He looked down. He noticed that the rapist had shoved nine pieces of peaches in her. He was sickened by this act and puked inside his mouth in complete and utter disgust.

He still could not put it together. There is seemed to be no rationale to perform such an atrocious act. The only conclusion that was drawn was that he was not just dealing with a rapist, but a perverted serial killer. A deadly one at that. “But…is wanking a crime?” The words keep flashing in his head. Murder. Rape. Panties. Peaches? These things seemed to go hand in hand but peaches? He was perplexed by this case as if someone had asked him an unsolvable math question. What did the peaches symbolize? What did the panties over the head represent? So many questions, so little answers. It was back to the drawing board for him. Without a doubt he was one diligent and determined detective.

Insults + Quotes: Practice Dialogue

Title: Just another Day for a Playa
Dramatic Personae:
Matt – big time playa and is caught having sex with another woman
Karen – innocent girlfriend who catches Matt cheating on her
Set Description: Karen walks into the house to see Matt without any clothes on and sees other women’s panties on the floor. The bedroom is a complete mess. A heated argument occurs from this.

(Enter Karen)
Karen: When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.

Matt: What’s that suppose to mean?

Karen: How can you explain this?
(Karen holds up another woman’s panties)

Matt: Huh?

Karen: You hear me talkin’ hillbilly boy? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on you ass.
(She takes a lamp and hurls it at him)

Matt: Well you’re nothing but a yeasty common-kissing hugger-mugger!!

Karen: Oh Yeah! You are a gleeking hell-hated death token and to top that you’re just a craven half-faced maggot-pie.

Matt: I just hate you and I hate your ass face. All you are is a bootless milk-livered bum bailey.

Karen: How dare you call me those things!?!? You probably are sleeping with loggerheaded fat-kidneyed boar-pig women.

Matt: Hey don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

Karen (in a furious tone): You make me sooo mad!!!!! How can you hurt me like this?

Matt: Karen? Darling? Light of my life?...I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just gonna bash your brains in. I’m gonna bash’em right the f---in!
(Matt takes out a bat and hits Karen in the head)

Matt: AH HAHAHAHA!!!

(Karen lies motionless on the floor)

(Enter other woman)

Other Woman: Let’s just start making out in front of her…

(Matt and other woman start making out in front of an unconscious Karen)

Guerilla Poetry: Lights Out

Power. Strength. Fear.

3 words I live by.

Once he snaps the ball.

He is a dead-man with a ball.

Nothing or nobody is gonna stop me.

250 plus pounds.

I’m a beast.

I’m unstoppable.

I’m a linebacker.

I’m not gonna tackle him.

I’m not gonna bring him down.

I envision myself runnin through him,

As if he wasn’t even there.

Brett who? Tom who? Peyton who?

They start the play,

I end the play.

I leave nothing behind.

Lights out.

The Battle of the Bigs

Who ya got? Some say the Pats are taking it, while others say the Colts are. It is said that this game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts is going to be better than the Super Bowl itself. Tom Brady just might be the BEST quarterback of all time. The powerful Patriots are pounding on the entire league for their push for perfection. Patriots are a team that seems to have no weakness and are seemingly unstoppable. Then there is Peyton Manning, the guy who people think is not clutch. He finally got the monkey off his shoulder and won the “big one”. Now he has the hunger for more. This game is of tremendous magnitude and both teams are eager for that tick under the W column. Someone’s 0 has got to go.

My prediction: Patriots win

Kobe Bryant

Past his prime. Peaked. Uncoachable. Stubborn. Played out. An outcast. Not a team player. Selfish. Overrated. Prima Dona. No more rings. These all the things the Kobe-haters have to say. All I have to say is keeping hating because Kobe is going keep on being great. Dropping multiple 50 point games. Breaking records that nobody thought would be broken. The Lakers fans are booing him at the season opener and than cheering for him when he starts scoring during the game. No wonder he wants to leave. Is it his fault that he is on a team that refuses to step-up? Is it his fault that the Lakers aren’t getting any good players to build around him? I don’t blame him for demanding trades. He is being unappreciated in L.A.

A reminder on why Kobe is still the greatest:

Snapshots

Vince Carter. One day he is jumping over a 7"2 Frenchman. The next day he is lying on the ground completely motionless. Vince Carter exploded on to the NBA scene in 1998 being drafted by the Golden State Warriors, but before he could even get his jersey he was traded to the Toronto Raptors. Maybe the Warriors felt that Vince was grotesque and juvenile much like how the Toronto fans feel today. The Raptors could no longer deal with Vince Carter’s absurdity and obscure injuries, which than landed VC in New Jersey. Every time he comes to play a game against Toronto now, it is a bombastic summer blockbuster. It is a magnetic encounter. Toronto fans always have a frazzled feeling and are flabbergasted on why he is so popular, even after all his corruption. Toronto fans find him to be like a whiny baby, an ugly one at that. If he is such a finical figure, why not get some liposuction or better yet suit his personality and get surgically effeminized? Maybe just bashing Vince Carter is one of the many jolts to life.